Sunday, July 3, 2011

I think I might....

Spontaneously combust, if I here one more thing about pregnancy at church this morning!! She is only 5 weeks pregnant, 35 weeks to go, can I make it?! Cant stop tearing up, i just want to leave. Church should not be like this. Jealous? Maybe. Hurt? Definately. Pittied? Oh yra. She hasnt even spoken to me about it and we are "best friends", whats that?? Lord help me make it through this!

Just needed to vent a little... Thanks for listening! :)

Tuesday, June 28, 2011


I think this site hates me....

Yep pretty sure that is the case!

I try to leave comments....

I get the run around!

Sign in, encrypted word....

Encrypted word, sign in!

Every new page I view....
I am logged out!

It's starting to be mutual!

Oh yea...
I just wrote a LONG post....
It didn't post AND didn't SAVE!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Seriously, today?

So today is our 3rd Father's Day that has past while TTC. Father's Day is a hard day for DH because his daddy passed away when he was 8...and now with out IF journey on top of that I can't imagine the hurt. Days like today when celebration should be all around, I want to be all alone. I can hardly stand to be in church on these days, and that is my favorite place in the world. My heart breaks for what I can't give him, especially on days like today....

And then we get the icing on the cake....our church friends, who are 19 and 21, and just got married on May 28, this year, announced that they are expecting. They found out yesterday and decided to go ahead and share the news since they would be with both sets of parents today. My heart broke. I cried until it hurt to cry and then cried because it hurt. I don't get it, I don't understand. I want so much to be happy for her, to love her and share in this in a special way but the aching in my heart won't stop. I don't know that I will even be able to look her in the eye and say I am happy for her and that I am here if she needs me. I am breaking...

 Dh tries his best to be my strength, he comforts me the best way he knows how and he loves me. But then I wonder about his feelings, how he deals with this seemingly so well. Here I am falling apart at the seems and he is so outwardly strong. Sometimes I wish he would break with me. I want to know that he is hurting too. Is that selfish or too much to ask? Maybe it is, I know he cares, he just shows it so much differently.

Clinging to God and knowing that in Him is hope and peace.....

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


Well where shall I start??

Last week I work 6 days and finally got a break right in time to teach Sunday school on Sunday. After a hard week spending an hour with those precious kiddos was so refreshing. Sunday afternoon DH and I just relaxed until choir practice and evening service rolled around. Sunday nights service is on that won't be forgotten for a long while. The spirit was so strong and I knew that I needed to take a dip. I am so glad that no matter where you are God is willing and able to meet you right there. I began crying out to God, as did other around me, the music kept going the singers kept singing and the blessings of the lord came down. All I could do was stand there and cry. The piano player began singing an amazing song(I will look for it later to share) and I broke. One of my dear friends and one of few in the church that knows our struggles came and wrapped her arms around me and began to pray, she laid her hands on my tummy and prayed that God would do a miracle. I just stood there sobbing in her arms basking in the presence of God as she talked to the Lord for me. I felt so good, so renewed.

So yesterday I worked all day and around 3pm I began hurting in my stomach something fierce.(and I have a very high tolerance for pain) I came home and tried everything I could think of to make it stop, and to no prevail. I finally told DH that I had to go the ER. I was so scared, I had never had a pain like this in my life. My pain was in my stomach and went around to my back, I was nauseous and had indigestion. I arrived at the ER got blood work and had the joy of using a tiny cup as a toilet, almost immediately and then waited. I was hurting and afraid. The doctor came in and said that the blood work and urine looked fine and I would be sent to U/S. Again, the doctor said the U/S looked fine and I would be sent to get a CT Scan. I got an IV with pain medicine and zofran for nausea, this was the weirdest feeling in the world! I started sweating and had tightening in my chest and thought I might just die. On to CT. Again, the doctor said that everything looked fine and so they were sending me home. I was shocked, he said they did all they could and that I probably have IBS,(irritable bowel syndrome) and that sometimes your muscles get so tight that you think you could die, and with that he went out the door reminding me that he would get me some prescribtions. I got 3 prescriptions, all of them medicine that makes me sleepy. Needless to say idk if it is actually helping what they say my problem is or just covering up the pain, but I was cozy in bed sleeping all day.

Why did I share all of that? To show that God is right on time giving us a blessing but satan isn't far behind trying to tear us away. As it says in Joshua 24:15, "...choose you this day whom ye will for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."

Of course satan is going to be there to try and get us off track and destracted but if we have our minds made up to serve the Lord it won't even matter. I am trusting in my holy unfailing God to see me through no matter what. I can say today that if He choose to never do one more thing for me I will still love and serve Him until the day I die because he is God and that alone is enough.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Kinda Irritated....

Blogger will NOT let me comment on anything!


Is it just me??

Thursday, June 9, 2011


My heart is breaking for what I don't have, for what I may never have. I wonder why God choose me, why does He have so much faith that I can handle this, though I would never ever wish it for anyone else. I want answers, I want health and I want babies! I want to hear those precious first cries and the incredible sounds of laughter and tiny feet pattering across the floor. I desire to a child that is mine, to share that bond that only a mother and child can share.

I want to scream at the top of my lungs what's wrong with me? Why me? Will this ever end?

I know In my heart of hearts that there is a reason for all that we go through, a reason deeper than we could ever comprehend. Why is it that in times when you need understanding the most it docent come. I pray that God will show himself in a special way through this journey.

I need to just crawl into the arms of Christ and tell him what I want, what I feel.

I need to tell him how I am hurting, physically and emotionally. How I know he can heal me. That I trust Him more everyday. That I know that He will work all things together for my good. That I am breaking inside. How IF puts a strain on my relationships.

I often remind myself that my ways are not his ways, that my timing is not his timing and that does send some bit of comfort. I think about how this journey would be so much easier if I knew that he would bring my desire to pass. The when and how isn't what bothers me so much as the big "IF" it ever happens.
Hurting today but still hopeful that God is going to see me through and I k ow that when I meet him face to face it will all make sence. I will be fulfilled in His time, in His way.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Something I read today...

"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!

The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!

Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please." 

The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."

Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.

You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."

Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.

You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."

You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.

As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.

Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."

There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.

He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.

As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.

After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you." 

You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.

You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.

In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.

You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."

Just thought I would share. Yes, I cried while reading it...chocolate cake...

Monday, May 30, 2011

He Believe's In Me

listen to the words in this song. It has blessed me and I hope it does you too.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Our Journey Thus Far

When we started this journey 3 years ago I had no idea that I would be where I am today. I am going to share how my infertility came to surface and what action we have taken thus far.

At 13 AF came to visit for the first time, that seemed normal but then she was seen only about once a year, at the time it was quite pleasant actually. I didn't have to worry about the unexpected visit or about making sure I was prepared.

I was okay with my body not working properly until I began having pain and realized that AF staying away for so long was probably not the best for my body. I went to the doctor only to be told that  birth control would fix the problem and with a sample pack and prescription in my hand I was sent on my way.

Months past and still no AF even with birth control, the bcp made me feel anxious and crabby and just not myself and since they weren't working I tossed them out. What is the point anyway?

After high school I was still dealing with rounds of pain and still had no answers. I went back to the doctor and this time had my first pap(yippy!), blood tests, more bcp and sent on my way. Later I received a phone call saying that I had PCOS and to just take the bcp and it would work my cycles out. Again the bcp failed to do what they said and I tossed them, still not knowing the seriousness of the issue.

In April of 2008 I married my wonderful husband, knowing that we wanted children, and lots of them, we started trying right away.  6 months and nothing brought me back to the doctor where I pushed for a referral. I first went to a gyno who sent me for blood work and a HSG and I was immediately referred to one of the 2 RE in town. The RE called to set up an appointment and said they had all my records and results.

The day I walked into that appointment I didn't really know what was going to happen or how things would turn out, I was scared to know the truths about my body and so afraid that having children would be an unreachable goal. We talked about my HSG and how my tubes were clear but the top wall of my uterus was curved(not a big problem but not normal either), it was confirmed that I had PCOS and that I would have to use medicines to get pregnant. The doctor scheduled a semen analysis and an ultrasound, and very confidently said we would be pregnant before we knew it.

January 2009, SA looked great, ultrasound not so much, and us having children rested completely on my body cooperating. I took provera to get AF moving and planned my first cycle of clomid following AF. I remember thinking wow I will have a child in about 9 months, how naive I was! I guess I thought I was getting a miracle pill. We continued with 4 cycles of clomid with an HCG injection just waiting to be used and lots and lots of ultrasounds and blood work and scheduled sex and hpt and nothing. During these 4 cycles we saw no changes, nothing even measurable. We were still encouraged to follow through every month as if it could be the month, nothing. My 4th cycle caused a lot of pain and the last ultrasound showed a cyst has just ruptured, we decided it was break time, my body needed a rest, my mind needed a rest and so did the checkbook.

It is amazing how long 4 cycles takes when you have to take 10 days worth of pills to even start a period and make sure your blood work comes back clear before you can start them, and holiday interruptions and vacation. Our life was a whirlwind and I felt I was already in too deep. Everything I ever wanted seemed to have been stolen away. We needed a break and we needed to refocus and we needed to know our options and needed a plan. I needed God's guidance. I spent months talking to our RE about a plan, searching doctors, going to workshops, searching the internet and looking at our options and seeking the face of God...all the while still taking provera and taking hpt regularly.

After a lengthy break, in October 2010 I called to get into an ob/gyn who specializes in PCOS. When I asked if she was excepting new patients and the nurse who is also in charge of scheduling said only ob patients but she could find me someone else. I wasn't giving up that easy I felt as if I was lead to her and I was going to see her. I told my reasoning and part of my story, the nurse asked me to hold and returned to the phone telling me how the doctor would love to see me. I was thrilled, and made an appointment, but not able to get in until January.

 At my first appointment we talked about my story, how I found her, what all the ins and outs of PCOS really are and discussed what we would try. I went ahead and got a whole physical out of the way including an uterine biopsy (ouch!) and pap. we scheduled blood work and a followup after all my Dr records and results had made it back to her. I expressed how I felt the need to become healthy and make sure my body was ready for a baby before moving forward with the RE and she agreed that would be best. I received a phone call an set up appointments for more blood work, fasting and non, for comparison and moved my appointment back. I was also informed that my pap and biopsy came back fine so I didn't need to worry about that.  

In March I found myself in that same office ready to talk everything out and understand my body a bit more. She told me that I have extreme insulin resistance with i found out for the first time generally goes hand in hand with PCOS.  She prescribed metformin and suggested I work on losing as much excess weight as I could. She was also the first doctor who told me that would help and could possibly be enough to jump start AF on its own. She told me that the bcp that i had taken in the past weren't strong enough for my body and that is why nothing happened. After sharing so much information I was sent on my way encouraged and enlightened.  I scheduled yet more blood work for after metformin and ultrasounds for different times in my cycle to see if there is any change at all.

I have just worked myself up to 1500mg metformin a day and every ultrasound seems to look as if I am in the same phase of my cycle. I have another follow up appointment coming up soon, and hope some progress can be seen.

I am still young in this journey and don't understand all of the ins and outs of IF like many of you do, but I feel the same pain and have the same questions. Does anyone have any suggestions for losing weight with PCOS? anyone tried the metformin route? any advice? anything?

Thanks for listening, for today I am still encouraged for I know we have many options and I know that I serve a big God!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

We made it...3 years!! :)

Today my wonderful husband and I celebrate 3 years of marriage, and in that 3 years of TTC. At some points in this journey I thought we wouldn't make it but looking back and forward I know I wouldn't have it any other way. Everything that we have gone through has brought us closer together and made us so much stronger.

I have the most wonderful Godly husband and am so extremely blessed to have him to spend the rest of my life with. I absolutely cherish what we have and am indebted to God for sending me such a priceless spouse. I must say he still sends me into orbit! :)

I remember that day like it was yesterday... the music, the dress, the flowers, the flashes(camera of course!), the girls, the chicken nuggets I downed moments before walking down the aisle, my daddy telling me we still had time to the memories.

I am so glad that the memories didn't stop there though. I am glad that there is now a depth in our relationship. thinking of that makes me think of my relationship with the Lord. If I only casually say hello now and then there is no depth, but if I spend special time with the one who loved me first we will have that special relationship He so desires.

I know this is sorta all over the place but that's normal for me and I am standing by my no proofreading!

I am think about what my life would be like if I got pregnant right away in our marriage...I would have that amazing pitter-patter on my floors right now. I would have a little one to squeeze and love and bathe and sing to. How I would love to hold a precious baby and know that he/she is mine. However for now I believe we are being prepared. God knows what we need and He is an on time God, waiting is just so hard.

I never thought that I would be in the place I am in my life but here I am. The bible says in Phillipians 4:11, " whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Though I am not where I thought I'd be, or even where I want to be I must learn to be content with what I have where I'm at. I do have so much to be thankful for...

~My loving husband of 3 years (that is saying something in the day and hour in which we live)
~My wonderful family whom I love so dearly
~My Amazing friends
~My brothers and sisters in Christ
~My Salvation, And so many more I couldn't name it all if I tried!

*Note to self: Be Ye Content!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter! I hope you all have a fabulous day! Remember the reason we are celebrating this day and be grateful for all that you have (or can have) in Christ. Thank God that Jesus died on the cross for us and even more that He rose victoriously for our justification! God is good!

Friday, April 22, 2011

God is able

Just listen to this, God is most definitely able! ( I am sorry  I posted this before but the video wasn't embeded, I learned something new now!)

Ephesians 3:20
"Now unto Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us."

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

how long has it been

Nearly 3 years of trying to conceive and still I feel as if we have moved forward very little. I do however know more about my dear Justin, and myself for that matter. Sure the 24 year old me is way more prepared than the 21 year old me was but I still long to be someones mommy. My heart aches and I long to hold a child in my arms that is mine.
I wonder about how things would be if I didn't have these problems. I feel like less of a woman, like a failure. I feel pressure from every side and stress about who I am letting down. If Justin would have just chosen differently he could have a family by now, the family name could go on and not die.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my infertility and what I should do next. I drive myself crazy trying to figure everything out and trying to reason. I am weak, I am hurting.  I am supposed to be the strong one, the one with huge faith, who everyone runs to for help but I am so, so weak. I put on a happy face, I try to look up and be cheerful but I hurt so deeply.

Feeling so overwhelmed, this is so much bigger than me, so out of my control. I feel unsure and unsteady, the unknown is scary. Questions bombard my mind and I am afraid of making the wrong decisions.

Today is a day I would just like crawl on my daddy's lap and have him tell me everything is going to be alright just like when I was a little girl but this is bigger than daddy too. This is much too complicated, a squeeze and kiss on the cheek won't heal this hurt, this pain.

Although I am hurting in a way I can't really explain I am so glad that I have a heavenly father and that this ISN'T too big for Him to handle! I don't understand all my feelings and emotions, I don't know all the answers to the questions this life brings, I don't know what to do but I am so glad I know who I trust! I am so thankful I have a savior who cares about me even in my weakness and who gives me strength. Some days I feel I just cant go on but then God comes by and gives me just what I need.

2 Corinthians 12:9
And he said unto me, "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

Thursday, March 31, 2011

...Two People Fell In Love...

I don't know how to start our story without first telling you about us.

 New Years Eve,  December 31st, 2006, the day that started it all. A church we fellowship with in our area was having a "watch night" service, I was invited by my pastor and his family to attend with them.(his daughters were close friends of mine) I knew little of what to expect because of never being in a service like this before. The first part of the service was much like any service only with lots of special singing and rejoicing, it was wonderful. We then had a break for refreshments and that is when my life changed forever. In the back of the church there were several rooms with tables set up with room for eating and fellowship, I heard laughter from down the hall and curiosity got the best of me. I walked down the hall into a small room and laughter exploded from it, that is when I saw him...never before had someone captured my attention quite like this young man. I wanted to know more, I HAD TO KNOW MORE!! I quickly began asking friends who he was and learned all I could about him in the coming months. I had finished the year and started a new one with this young man on my mind and I knew that this was something special. I learned that his name was Justin, he was 18 years old, that he was single(YES!), he had a job and a car, he played the drums and shared the same love for Christ that I did!(and do)  Now before you get the idea that he was as goo~goo about me as I was him let me stop that thought! In all honesty after that night I did everything I could to get his attention! I sent messages on a social networking site, I begged friends to mention me, I visited his church, everything short of a neon sign! Then one night in march while our churches were together for a youth rally I told myself now or never, tonight had to be the night. A friend had talked to him and told him that he should look for me and say hello. Minutes before service was to begin, as everyone was finding a seat and all the commotion was quieting down, he walks down the aisle leans over in front of me and says something along the lines of  "You've been trying to get my attention and now you have it, we'll talk later" and turns and walks away right as service begins. I felt like all eyes were on me and my face was the color of the freshest ripest tomato you could find. Could he really be the one, the answer to all my prayers...time would only tell. That night I felt as if I were on top of the world, I got home to find that I did have a reply message from him and that he wanted to get to know me better as well. We then spent the greater part of the night talking on the phone, I had never laughed so much in my life, and still I don't know if it was out of being nervous or because he was just that funny! We planned for a date and tried to seek God in the meantime for his will. The morning of our date was unreal, I have never changed clothes so many times, never was I found without anything to say but that morning in the quiet of the house I was in a place I had never found myself before...was this love? Our breakfast date came and went with much enjoyment, from his pork chops, eggs, biscuits and gravy to me blowing bubbles in my cup of milk like my gramma had taught me years ago. Neither of us knew what was to come but we did know that morning was blissful. Very shortly after this I broke things off, I was so afraid of giving myself fully away, fear of being hurt as before.(I will share one day) Needless to say God worked things out, Justin was able to forgive I was able to trust and our relationship grew and flourished because we left God right where He belonged in the center. In late summer of 2008 my brother grew extremely ill and things seemed so overwhelming, Justin was there, he helped me and gave me a reason to go on when I was hurting so bad. On October 5 in the midst of the storm that raged around me I found a calm, a peace, a true happiness and joy. That day had been one of the worst I had experienced, I was sad and in all honesty I wouldn't have wanted to be around me! Justin still with love in his heart decided to spend the evening with me, a local festival was in town and usually I love that sort of thing, people everywhere which means lots of talking and lots of people watching! ( just what I love) But that night was different, I wasn't myself, I wanted to be alone and be sad and that just be okay. Justin took me to that festival and tried all he could to make me happy, he urged me to loosen up and to have a good time and even tried to get me to the top of the ferris wheel, NO THANKS! After this evening of fun he decided to drive 30 minutes out of the way to drop another couple off before taking me home, I did my best to pretest but it was to no avail, I wasn't winning this one. Then after we were alone Justin took me to "our special spot" near the riverfront, I told him how sorry I was for not being fun and that he should have gone without me and mid appology I was stopped...the look in his eyes was so sincere, so unforgetable and the words that followed even moreso. He looked at me with the most loving look and said something along the lines of "I love you and even if you were like this the rest of your life I still want to spend it with you." I was in shock as he spoke these and many more words and slid the most perfect, most beautiful ring on my finger. "Will you marry me?" I was speachless, which was a rarity that was happening more and more and sat mezmorized for minutes before answering "of course!" We soon set a wedding date and wasting no time we were married on April 26th, 2008.

Maybe all those words seem too many, but to me that is the short story! I met the love of my life, I have something that so many desire and few have found. My secret? I let the Lord guide me, I didnt do the looking, the choosing, He did. I prayed for my husband long before I even knew who He would be, God knew though. Almost 3 years later we are still so much in love and growing everyday, because when God does something He does it right.

Monday, March 28, 2011

First post... :]

As my blogs title implies I am battling infertility but I am filled with hope knowing God's grace always shines through the dark clouds. I will share my story, my struggles and my faith through this blog. My prayer is that through my words, my life, I can help someone else to know that wonderful hope that God gives us. I whole heartedly believe that what the word of God says in Romans 8:28, "...all things work together for good...". Sometimes in this life we face circumstances we fill we can't get through but I am so glad that I have found a friend in Christ , "Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you"( 1 Peter 5:7) I have found God to be my strength when I have none and my comfort when I feel I am in the deepest pit of despair. Where would I be, God only knows. I am so looking forward to what God has in store and am so glad that now I can share it with you too!