I think this site hates me....
Yep pretty sure that is the case!
I try to leave comments....
I get the run around!
Sign in, encrypted word....
Encrypted word, sign in!
Every new page I view....
I am logged out!
Ugh...
It's starting to be mutual!
Oh yea...
I just wrote a LONG post....
It didn't post AND didn't SAVE!
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Seriously, today?
So today is our 3rd Father's Day that has past while TTC. Father's Day is a hard day for DH because his daddy passed away when he was 8...and now with out IF journey on top of that I can't imagine the hurt. Days like today when celebration should be all around, I want to be all alone. I can hardly stand to be in church on these days, and that is my favorite place in the world. My heart breaks for what I can't give him, especially on days like today....
And then we get the icing on the cake....our church friends, who are 19 and 21, and just got married on May 28, this year, announced that they are expecting. They found out yesterday and decided to go ahead and share the news since they would be with both sets of parents today. My heart broke. I cried until it hurt to cry and then cried because it hurt. I don't get it, I don't understand. I want so much to be happy for her, to love her and share in this in a special way but the aching in my heart won't stop. I don't know that I will even be able to look her in the eye and say I am happy for her and that I am here if she needs me. I am breaking...
Dh tries his best to be my strength, he comforts me the best way he knows how and he loves me. But then I wonder about his feelings, how he deals with this seemingly so well. Here I am falling apart at the seems and he is so outwardly strong. Sometimes I wish he would break with me. I want to know that he is hurting too. Is that selfish or too much to ask? Maybe it is, I know he cares, he just shows it so much differently.
Clinging to God and knowing that in Him is hope and peace.....
And then we get the icing on the cake....our church friends, who are 19 and 21, and just got married on May 28, this year, announced that they are expecting. They found out yesterday and decided to go ahead and share the news since they would be with both sets of parents today. My heart broke. I cried until it hurt to cry and then cried because it hurt. I don't get it, I don't understand. I want so much to be happy for her, to love her and share in this in a special way but the aching in my heart won't stop. I don't know that I will even be able to look her in the eye and say I am happy for her and that I am here if she needs me. I am breaking...
Dh tries his best to be my strength, he comforts me the best way he knows how and he loves me. But then I wonder about his feelings, how he deals with this seemingly so well. Here I am falling apart at the seems and he is so outwardly strong. Sometimes I wish he would break with me. I want to know that he is hurting too. Is that selfish or too much to ask? Maybe it is, I know he cares, he just shows it so much differently.
Clinging to God and knowing that in Him is hope and peace.....
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Well...
Well where shall I start??
Last week I work 6 days and finally got a break right in time to teach Sunday school on Sunday. After a hard week spending an hour with those precious kiddos was so refreshing. Sunday afternoon DH and I just relaxed until choir practice and evening service rolled around. Sunday nights service is on that won't be forgotten for a long while. The spirit was so strong and I knew that I needed to take a dip. I am so glad that no matter where you are God is willing and able to meet you right there. I began crying out to God, as did other around me, the music kept going the singers kept singing and the blessings of the lord came down. All I could do was stand there and cry. The piano player began singing an amazing song(I will look for it later to share) and I broke. One of my dear friends and one of few in the church that knows our struggles came and wrapped her arms around me and began to pray, she laid her hands on my tummy and prayed that God would do a miracle. I just stood there sobbing in her arms basking in the presence of God as she talked to the Lord for me. I felt so good, so renewed.
So yesterday I worked all day and around 3pm I began hurting in my stomach something fierce.(and I have a very high tolerance for pain) I came home and tried everything I could think of to make it stop, and to no prevail. I finally told DH that I had to go the ER. I was so scared, I had never had a pain like this in my life. My pain was in my stomach and went around to my back, I was nauseous and had indigestion. I arrived at the ER got blood work and had the joy of using a tiny cup as a toilet, almost immediately and then waited. I was hurting and afraid. The doctor came in and said that the blood work and urine looked fine and I would be sent to U/S. Again, the doctor said the U/S looked fine and I would be sent to get a CT Scan. I got an IV with pain medicine and zofran for nausea, this was the weirdest feeling in the world! I started sweating and had tightening in my chest and thought I might just die. On to CT. Again, the doctor said that everything looked fine and so they were sending me home. I was shocked, he said they did all they could and that I probably have IBS,(irritable bowel syndrome) and that sometimes your muscles get so tight that you think you could die, and with that he went out the door reminding me that he would get me some prescribtions. I got 3 prescriptions, all of them medicine that makes me sleepy. Needless to say idk if it is actually helping what they say my problem is or just covering up the pain, but I was cozy in bed sleeping all day.
Why did I share all of that? To show that God is right on time giving us a blessing but satan isn't far behind trying to tear us away. As it says in Joshua 24:15, "...choose you this day whom ye will serve...as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
Of course satan is going to be there to try and get us off track and destracted but if we have our minds made up to serve the Lord it won't even matter. I am trusting in my holy unfailing God to see me through no matter what. I can say today that if He choose to never do one more thing for me I will still love and serve Him until the day I die because he is God and that alone is enough.
Last week I work 6 days and finally got a break right in time to teach Sunday school on Sunday. After a hard week spending an hour with those precious kiddos was so refreshing. Sunday afternoon DH and I just relaxed until choir practice and evening service rolled around. Sunday nights service is on that won't be forgotten for a long while. The spirit was so strong and I knew that I needed to take a dip. I am so glad that no matter where you are God is willing and able to meet you right there. I began crying out to God, as did other around me, the music kept going the singers kept singing and the blessings of the lord came down. All I could do was stand there and cry. The piano player began singing an amazing song(I will look for it later to share) and I broke. One of my dear friends and one of few in the church that knows our struggles came and wrapped her arms around me and began to pray, she laid her hands on my tummy and prayed that God would do a miracle. I just stood there sobbing in her arms basking in the presence of God as she talked to the Lord for me. I felt so good, so renewed.
So yesterday I worked all day and around 3pm I began hurting in my stomach something fierce.(and I have a very high tolerance for pain) I came home and tried everything I could think of to make it stop, and to no prevail. I finally told DH that I had to go the ER. I was so scared, I had never had a pain like this in my life. My pain was in my stomach and went around to my back, I was nauseous and had indigestion. I arrived at the ER got blood work and had the joy of using a tiny cup as a toilet, almost immediately and then waited. I was hurting and afraid. The doctor came in and said that the blood work and urine looked fine and I would be sent to U/S. Again, the doctor said the U/S looked fine and I would be sent to get a CT Scan. I got an IV with pain medicine and zofran for nausea, this was the weirdest feeling in the world! I started sweating and had tightening in my chest and thought I might just die. On to CT. Again, the doctor said that everything looked fine and so they were sending me home. I was shocked, he said they did all they could and that I probably have IBS,(irritable bowel syndrome) and that sometimes your muscles get so tight that you think you could die, and with that he went out the door reminding me that he would get me some prescribtions. I got 3 prescriptions, all of them medicine that makes me sleepy. Needless to say idk if it is actually helping what they say my problem is or just covering up the pain, but I was cozy in bed sleeping all day.
Why did I share all of that? To show that God is right on time giving us a blessing but satan isn't far behind trying to tear us away. As it says in Joshua 24:15, "...choose you this day whom ye will serve...as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
Of course satan is going to be there to try and get us off track and destracted but if we have our minds made up to serve the Lord it won't even matter. I am trusting in my holy unfailing God to see me through no matter what. I can say today that if He choose to never do one more thing for me I will still love and serve Him until the day I die because he is God and that alone is enough.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Today...
My heart is breaking for what I don't have, for what I may never have. I wonder why God choose me, why does He have so much faith that I can handle this, though I would never ever wish it for anyone else. I want answers, I want health and I want babies! I want to hear those precious first cries and the incredible sounds of laughter and tiny feet pattering across the floor. I desire to a child that is mine, to share that bond that only a mother and child can share.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs what's wrong with me? Why me? Will this ever end?
I know In my heart of hearts that there is a reason for all that we go through, a reason deeper than we could ever comprehend. Why is it that in times when you need understanding the most it docent come. I pray that God will show himself in a special way through this journey.
I need to just crawl into the arms of Christ and tell him what I want, what I feel.
I need to tell him how I am hurting, physically and emotionally. How I know he can heal me. That I trust Him more everyday. That I know that He will work all things together for my good. That I am breaking inside. How IF puts a strain on my relationships.
I often remind myself that my ways are not his ways, that my timing is not his timing and that does send some bit of comfort. I think about how this journey would be so much easier if I knew that he would bring my desire to pass. The when and how isn't what bothers me so much as the big "IF" it ever happens.
Hurting today but still hopeful that God is going to see me through and I k ow that when I meet him face to face it will all make sence. I will be fulfilled in His time, in His way.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs what's wrong with me? Why me? Will this ever end?
I know In my heart of hearts that there is a reason for all that we go through, a reason deeper than we could ever comprehend. Why is it that in times when you need understanding the most it docent come. I pray that God will show himself in a special way through this journey.
I need to just crawl into the arms of Christ and tell him what I want, what I feel.
I need to tell him how I am hurting, physically and emotionally. How I know he can heal me. That I trust Him more everyday. That I know that He will work all things together for my good. That I am breaking inside. How IF puts a strain on my relationships.
I often remind myself that my ways are not his ways, that my timing is not his timing and that does send some bit of comfort. I think about how this journey would be so much easier if I knew that he would bring my desire to pass. The when and how isn't what bothers me so much as the big "IF" it ever happens.
Hurting today but still hopeful that God is going to see me through and I k ow that when I meet him face to face it will all make sence. I will be fulfilled in His time, in His way.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Something I read today...
"Imagine yourself dressed up in your finest clothes. You and your sweet husband are attending a dinner together in one of the nicest restaurants in town. You both have planned, waited and saved for this evening. To say the least, you are very excited! You and your husband arrive and the atmosphere is more than you expected. Everyone around you is having a good time. The chandeliers are sparkling, candles are glowing and sweet soft music is playing in the background. To your pleasant surprise you see others there you know. You are seated with them and in your heart you think there just couldn't be anything better!
The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!
Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please."
The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."
The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."
Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.
You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."
Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.
You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."
You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.
As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.
Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."
There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.
He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.
As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.
After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you."
You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.
You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.
In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.
You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."
Just thought I would share. Yes, I cried while reading it...chocolate cake...
The table is just exquisite. Breathtaking really. The people at your table begin to talk to you in jolly conversation. You glance at the menu and you don't even know where to begin! You look over everything slowly and carefully, especially the dessert menu! All of your life you have been hearing about this restaurant's marvellous and divine desserts. Deep in your heart, you have been looking forward to enjoying dessert the most!
Everyone at your table orders their food. For dessert they all order chocolate cake. You think, "Hey that sounds perfect. I'll have chocolate cake too please."
The waiter nods in approval and quickly swifts off to put in your order. In the meantime, you are still enjoying the surroundings, the music and the company. You grab your husband's hand and sigh "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."
The food comes and everything looks just pleasing. Some of the things you tasted you really love, some of the things you didn't. Either way, you know that dessert is on its way. That thought in and of itself is just exciting! Then you see him, your waiter! Your wonderful, blessed waiter with a silver tray full of plates of chocolate cake! He comes and starts handing out plates to those you know. You look at the cake and to put it simply, it looks just divine. You're even more excited now! The waiter comes to your side and then passes you and your husband. You are shocked and think there must be some mistake. you don't know what to do, but rather than make a fuss you think, "Just wait, I will get my chocolate cake soon too."
Those that have their dessert are going on and on about how amazing the taste is. You smile, you are truly happy for them. Deep down you are anxious and their feelings only feed your curiosity and desire. Then you see the waiter again and think, "Ahhh, here he is." You notice that he starts handing out seconds and thirds to those that have already had their piece of cake. Your husband doesn't notice, he's busy chatting with the fellow next to him! Deep down though you get a sick feeling in the pit of your stomach. You know something is wrong, something is very, very wrong.
You ask the waiter, "Excuse me please. Where is my chocolate cake that I ordered"? The waiter just replies, "The baker has said that you must wait." He rushes off and not another word is said. Time goes on. You still enjoy the surroundings, the people and the conversations. All the while though, you can't get chocolate cake out of your mind. Time keeps creeping by and soon your husband notices too, "Where is our dessert?" You hold his hand and look into his loving eyes and think, "Even without chocolate cake, life is still good."
Time, however, creeps and it creeps. At moments it seems like it has even stopped. It's getting late and people are noticing you haven't received your dessert yet. Questions start arising and you just don't know how to respond. You look around other tables and notice that people are also getting their third, fourth and fifth servings of dessert. "Why" is all you have to lean upon.
You notice that others have ordered things for dessert besides chocolate cake. There is cherry pie, brownie ice cream sundaes, raspberry cheesecakes and such. They seem just as pleased, if not more pleased with their desserts and you wonder, "Should I order cherry pie too"? You talk to the waiter and he simply says, "I'm sorry ma'am, you just need to be patient and wait."
You are starting to burn inside. Despite all of your best efforts you are beginning to boil. You really want to jump on top of the table and stomp while shouting, "Where is my chocolate cake?" You don't though because you know that will get you no where! Instead you look around and notice that there are some that are refusing their chocolate cake. "It will make me fat" one says. "Ugh. I have enough already" another states. One woman, simply dumps her beautiful chocolate cake onto the floor.
As you look deeper around you, you notice there are a few others that are waiting too. Your heart goes out to them. You smile and wish there was something more you could do. You know their pain and it hurts. It really hurts.
Finally, the waiter comes and he has chocolate cake on that familiar beautiful silver platter...and he has enough for two. One for your husband and one for you! Your so elated with joy that you can't hardly stand it!!! You tell everyone at your table and they are just as happy for you. "We knew it would happen" they say. "You just needed to relax"! Little did they know that deep inside relaxing was the last thing you were feeling! You look at your husband. Tears are in both of your eyes. You carefully take a taste. It's such sweet, sweet perfection. You go to take another and just before you do the waiter comes and gently takes your plates away. "Something is wrong" he says. "Don't worry my dear, the time is soon."
There's confusion. Sadness. Anger. Above all though, you are just deeply and truly heartbroken. Heartbroken to the very core. You don't know what to do. You turn to others for support. They cry with you and too ask why. You take a deep breath and find the strength to go on. You have been given the promise that you will receive dessert. It is just not understood as to when. You decide to put your full trust in the baker. You reach far inside within yourself and find the effort to ask your husband to dance.
He looks at you and smiles..."Yes, I would love to dance with you my dear one." You both get up, leave the table and set off to dance.
As you are dancing, you get your bearings. You again begin to notice your surroundings. The beautiful surroundings that have so magically grabbed your attention in the first place. You remember the music, the sounds, the smell of the sweet flowers. You breath. That's all you can do. You breath and slowly begin to enjoy the moment again. Slowly, it all comes back to you. The things you love. Being with the person you love the most. The pains you have just felt are still there. Still vulnerable, but you feel life again. Yes, life is still good.
After quite a few dances, you both decide it's time to sit at your table. People still have their desserts and their chocolate cakes. Your space is still empty. You decide, however, to really focus on those around you. In doing so you find more joy. The desire for dessert is still there- but it's manageable. Time moves on.
Then suddenly, out of nowhere, your waiter appears. He has the biggest smile on his face. He is pleased to announce that you and your husband's dessert is finally here!! Your heart wells up with joy, but you're afraid too. You ask the waiter, "Will you take it away"? "No, this one was made especially for you."
You smile back, hardly believing that this could be true or real. You look at it and it's not a dessert you have ever seen before. It's then that you realize that the baker has made a dessert with all of your favorite colors and flavors. Careful detail was lovingly taken into every consideration. "How did He know that this is exactly what I wanted"? The waiter just smiles and says, "Because he knows and loves you." If you look, you can see him there. You look and at the door, through the little round window you see a gentle man with tears in his eyes. He is grinning from ear to ear and looking at you and your husband. You can't hardly see anymore because of all of the happy tears. You whisper a big "Thank You" and in your heart you feel that this simple phrase will never be enough.
You look at the people around you, they too have tears in their eyes. They too are smiling from ear to ear. Everything is so precious and tender now- even more so than when you first arrived here. It's then that you learn that the pains you have felt all along the way. The waiting, the crying, the agony. It's all been a special recipe to make this moment this much more wonderful and sacred.
In your soul you take a deep breath and slowly let out a big sigh of gratitude.
You grab your husband's hand and sigh again, "Yes, life just couldn't get any better."
Just thought I would share. Yes, I cried while reading it...chocolate cake...
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