My heart is breaking for what I don't have, for what I may never have. I wonder why God choose me, why does He have so much faith that I can handle this, though I would never ever wish it for anyone else. I want answers, I want health and I want babies! I want to hear those precious first cries and the incredible sounds of laughter and tiny feet pattering across the floor. I desire to a child that is mine, to share that bond that only a mother and child can share.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs what's wrong with me? Why me? Will this ever end?
I know In my heart of hearts that there is a reason for all that we go through, a reason deeper than we could ever comprehend. Why is it that in times when you need understanding the most it docent come. I pray that God will show himself in a special way through this journey.
I need to just crawl into the arms of Christ and tell him what I want, what I feel.
I need to tell him how I am hurting, physically and emotionally. How I know he can heal me. That I trust Him more everyday. That I know that He will work all things together for my good. That I am breaking inside. How IF puts a strain on my relationships.
I often remind myself that my ways are not his ways, that my timing is not his timing and that does send some bit of comfort. I think about how this journey would be so much easier if I knew that he would bring my desire to pass. The when and how isn't what bothers me so much as the big "IF" it ever happens.
Hurting today but still hopeful that God is going to see me through and I k ow that when I meet him face to face it will all make sence. I will be fulfilled in His time, in His way.