Friday, April 29, 2011

Our Journey Thus Far

When we started this journey 3 years ago I had no idea that I would be where I am today. I am going to share how my infertility came to surface and what action we have taken thus far.

At 13 AF came to visit for the first time, that seemed normal but then she was seen only about once a year, at the time it was quite pleasant actually. I didn't have to worry about the unexpected visit or about making sure I was prepared.

I was okay with my body not working properly until I began having pain and realized that AF staying away for so long was probably not the best for my body. I went to the doctor only to be told that  birth control would fix the problem and with a sample pack and prescription in my hand I was sent on my way.

Months past and still no AF even with birth control, the bcp made me feel anxious and crabby and just not myself and since they weren't working I tossed them out. What is the point anyway?

After high school I was still dealing with rounds of pain and still had no answers. I went back to the doctor and this time had my first pap(yippy!), blood tests, more bcp and sent on my way. Later I received a phone call saying that I had PCOS and to just take the bcp and it would work my cycles out. Again the bcp failed to do what they said and I tossed them, still not knowing the seriousness of the issue.

In April of 2008 I married my wonderful husband, knowing that we wanted children, and lots of them, we started trying right away.  6 months and nothing brought me back to the doctor where I pushed for a referral. I first went to a gyno who sent me for blood work and a HSG and I was immediately referred to one of the 2 RE in town. The RE called to set up an appointment and said they had all my records and results.

The day I walked into that appointment I didn't really know what was going to happen or how things would turn out, I was scared to know the truths about my body and so afraid that having children would be an unreachable goal. We talked about my HSG and how my tubes were clear but the top wall of my uterus was curved(not a big problem but not normal either), it was confirmed that I had PCOS and that I would have to use medicines to get pregnant. The doctor scheduled a semen analysis and an ultrasound, and very confidently said we would be pregnant before we knew it.

January 2009, SA looked great, ultrasound not so much, and us having children rested completely on my body cooperating. I took provera to get AF moving and planned my first cycle of clomid following AF. I remember thinking wow I will have a child in about 9 months, how naive I was! I guess I thought I was getting a miracle pill. We continued with 4 cycles of clomid with an HCG injection just waiting to be used and lots and lots of ultrasounds and blood work and scheduled sex and hpt and nothing. During these 4 cycles we saw no changes, nothing even measurable. We were still encouraged to follow through every month as if it could be the month, nothing. My 4th cycle caused a lot of pain and the last ultrasound showed a cyst has just ruptured, we decided it was break time, my body needed a rest, my mind needed a rest and so did the checkbook.

It is amazing how long 4 cycles takes when you have to take 10 days worth of pills to even start a period and make sure your blood work comes back clear before you can start them, and holiday interruptions and vacation. Our life was a whirlwind and I felt I was already in too deep. Everything I ever wanted seemed to have been stolen away. We needed a break and we needed to refocus and we needed to know our options and needed a plan. I needed God's guidance. I spent months talking to our RE about a plan, searching doctors, going to workshops, searching the internet and looking at our options and seeking the face of God...all the while still taking provera and taking hpt regularly.

After a lengthy break, in October 2010 I called to get into an ob/gyn who specializes in PCOS. When I asked if she was excepting new patients and the nurse who is also in charge of scheduling said only ob patients but she could find me someone else. I wasn't giving up that easy I felt as if I was lead to her and I was going to see her. I told my reasoning and part of my story, the nurse asked me to hold and returned to the phone telling me how the doctor would love to see me. I was thrilled, and made an appointment, but not able to get in until January.

 At my first appointment we talked about my story, how I found her, what all the ins and outs of PCOS really are and discussed what we would try. I went ahead and got a whole physical out of the way including an uterine biopsy (ouch!) and pap. we scheduled blood work and a followup after all my Dr records and results had made it back to her. I expressed how I felt the need to become healthy and make sure my body was ready for a baby before moving forward with the RE and she agreed that would be best. I received a phone call an set up appointments for more blood work, fasting and non, for comparison and moved my appointment back. I was also informed that my pap and biopsy came back fine so I didn't need to worry about that.  

In March I found myself in that same office ready to talk everything out and understand my body a bit more. She told me that I have extreme insulin resistance with i found out for the first time generally goes hand in hand with PCOS.  She prescribed metformin and suggested I work on losing as much excess weight as I could. She was also the first doctor who told me that would help and could possibly be enough to jump start AF on its own. She told me that the bcp that i had taken in the past weren't strong enough for my body and that is why nothing happened. After sharing so much information I was sent on my way encouraged and enlightened.  I scheduled yet more blood work for after metformin and ultrasounds for different times in my cycle to see if there is any change at all.

I have just worked myself up to 1500mg metformin a day and every ultrasound seems to look as if I am in the same phase of my cycle. I have another follow up appointment coming up soon, and hope some progress can be seen.

I am still young in this journey and don't understand all of the ins and outs of IF like many of you do, but I feel the same pain and have the same questions. Does anyone have any suggestions for losing weight with PCOS? anyone tried the metformin route? any advice? anything?

Thanks for listening, for today I am still encouraged for I know we have many options and I know that I serve a big God!

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

We made it...3 years!! :)

Today my wonderful husband and I celebrate 3 years of marriage, and in that 3 years of TTC. At some points in this journey I thought we wouldn't make it but looking back and forward I know I wouldn't have it any other way. Everything that we have gone through has brought us closer together and made us so much stronger.

I have the most wonderful Godly husband and am so extremely blessed to have him to spend the rest of my life with. I absolutely cherish what we have and am indebted to God for sending me such a priceless spouse. I must say he still sends me into orbit! :)

I remember that day like it was yesterday... the music, the dress, the flowers, the flashes(camera of course!), the girls, the chicken nuggets I downed moments before walking down the aisle, my daddy telling me we still had time to the memories.

I am so glad that the memories didn't stop there though. I am glad that there is now a depth in our relationship. thinking of that makes me think of my relationship with the Lord. If I only casually say hello now and then there is no depth, but if I spend special time with the one who loved me first we will have that special relationship He so desires.

I know this is sorta all over the place but that's normal for me and I am standing by my no proofreading!

I am think about what my life would be like if I got pregnant right away in our marriage...I would have that amazing pitter-patter on my floors right now. I would have a little one to squeeze and love and bathe and sing to. How I would love to hold a precious baby and know that he/she is mine. However for now I believe we are being prepared. God knows what we need and He is an on time God, waiting is just so hard.

I never thought that I would be in the place I am in my life but here I am. The bible says in Phillipians 4:11, " whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content." Though I am not where I thought I'd be, or even where I want to be I must learn to be content with what I have where I'm at. I do have so much to be thankful for...

~My loving husband of 3 years (that is saying something in the day and hour in which we live)
~My wonderful family whom I love so dearly
~My Amazing friends
~My brothers and sisters in Christ
~My Salvation, And so many more I couldn't name it all if I tried!

*Note to self: Be Ye Content!

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter! I hope you all have a fabulous day! Remember the reason we are celebrating this day and be grateful for all that you have (or can have) in Christ. Thank God that Jesus died on the cross for us and even more that He rose victoriously for our justification! God is good!

Friday, April 22, 2011

God is able

Just listen to this, God is most definitely able! ( I am sorry  I posted this before but the video wasn't embeded, I learned something new now!)

Ephesians 3:20
"Now unto Him who is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us."

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

how long has it been

Nearly 3 years of trying to conceive and still I feel as if we have moved forward very little. I do however know more about my dear Justin, and myself for that matter. Sure the 24 year old me is way more prepared than the 21 year old me was but I still long to be someones mommy. My heart aches and I long to hold a child in my arms that is mine.
I wonder about how things would be if I didn't have these problems. I feel like less of a woman, like a failure. I feel pressure from every side and stress about who I am letting down. If Justin would have just chosen differently he could have a family by now, the family name could go on and not die.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my infertility and what I should do next. I drive myself crazy trying to figure everything out and trying to reason. I am weak, I am hurting.  I am supposed to be the strong one, the one with huge faith, who everyone runs to for help but I am so, so weak. I put on a happy face, I try to look up and be cheerful but I hurt so deeply.

Feeling so overwhelmed, this is so much bigger than me, so out of my control. I feel unsure and unsteady, the unknown is scary. Questions bombard my mind and I am afraid of making the wrong decisions.

Today is a day I would just like crawl on my daddy's lap and have him tell me everything is going to be alright just like when I was a little girl but this is bigger than daddy too. This is much too complicated, a squeeze and kiss on the cheek won't heal this hurt, this pain.

Although I am hurting in a way I can't really explain I am so glad that I have a heavenly father and that this ISN'T too big for Him to handle! I don't understand all my feelings and emotions, I don't know all the answers to the questions this life brings, I don't know what to do but I am so glad I know who I trust! I am so thankful I have a savior who cares about me even in my weakness and who gives me strength. Some days I feel I just cant go on but then God comes by and gives me just what I need.

2 Corinthians 12:9
And he said unto me, "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."