how long has it been

Nearly 3 years of trying to conceive and still I feel as if we have moved forward very little. I do however know more about my dear Justin, and myself for that matter. Sure the 24 year old me is way more prepared than the 21 year old me was but I still long to be someones mommy. My heart aches and I long to hold a child in my arms that is mine.
I wonder about how things would be if I didn't have these problems. I feel like less of a woman, like a failure. I feel pressure from every side and stress about who I am letting down. If Justin would have just chosen differently he could have a family by now, the family name could go on and not die.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my infertility and what I should do next. I drive myself crazy trying to figure everything out and trying to reason. I am weak, I am hurting.  I am supposed to be the strong one, the one with huge faith, who everyone runs to for help but I am so, so weak. I put on a happy face, I try to look up and be cheerful but I hurt so deeply.

Feeling so overwhelmed, this is so much bigger than me, so out of my control. I feel unsure and unsteady, the unknown is scary. Questions bombard my mind and I am afraid of making the wrong decisions.

Today is a day I would just like crawl on my daddy's lap and have him tell me everything is going to be alright just like when I was a little girl but this is bigger than daddy too. This is much too complicated, a squeeze and kiss on the cheek won't heal this hurt, this pain.

Although I am hurting in a way I can't really explain I am so glad that I have a heavenly father and that this ISN'T too big for Him to handle! I don't understand all my feelings and emotions, I don't know all the answers to the questions this life brings, I don't know what to do but I am so glad I know who I trust! I am so thankful I have a savior who cares about me even in my weakness and who gives me strength. Some days I feel I just cant go on but then God comes by and gives me just what I need.

2 Corinthians 12:9
And he said unto me, "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."