Seriously, today?

So today is our 3rd Father's Day that has past while TTC. Father's Day is a hard day for DH because his daddy passed away when he was 8...and now with out IF journey on top of that I can't imagine the hurt. Days like today when celebration should be all around, I want to be all alone. I can hardly stand to be in church on these days, and that is my favorite place in the world. My heart breaks for what I can't give him, especially on days like today....

And then we get the icing on the cake....our church friends, who are 19 and 21, and just got married on May 28, this year, announced that they are expecting. They found out yesterday and decided to go ahead and share the news since they would be with both sets of parents today. My heart broke. I cried until it hurt to cry and then cried because it hurt. I don't get it, I don't understand. I want so much to be happy for her, to love her and share in this in a special way but the aching in my heart won't stop. I don't know that I will even be able to look her in the eye and say I am happy for her and that I am here if she needs me. I am breaking...

 Dh tries his best to be my strength, he comforts me the best way he knows how and he loves me. But then I wonder about his feelings, how he deals with this seemingly so well. Here I am falling apart at the seems and he is so outwardly strong. Sometimes I wish he would break with me. I want to know that he is hurting too. Is that selfish or too much to ask? Maybe it is, I know he cares, he just shows it so much differently.

Clinging to God and knowing that in Him is hope and peace.....