What a whirlwind, yet I have managed to survive. Sometimes curve balls are thrown at us and we have no idea what to do yet somehow, grace perhaps, things work out. I have come to realize that what we think is best for us often turns out to be some of the worst and we look back and wonder, "what was I thinking?" The greatest things in life aren't handed to us, but instead are worked for. Heartbreak, failure, compromise, hurt, plan b, but never surrender. A wise man once said, "never give up, never surrender." What words of strength, encouragement and a will to keep going though things are hard, perhaps your back is to the wall, you feel like giving in yet somewhere deep within you find a fight and go.
That is where I find myself tonight. I felt I had no more fight, but somewhere an overwhelming feeling to move on, to fight, to win has come. I am so glad that beyond what we can see there is something bigger. Beyond our yesterday there is a tomorrow. I am back in the battle and i am back to win...
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Sunday, July 3, 2011
I think I might....
Spontaneously combust, if I here one more thing about pregnancy at church this morning!! She is only 5 weeks pregnant, 35 weeks to go, can I make it?! Cant stop tearing up, i just want to leave. Church should not be like this. Jealous? Maybe. Hurt? Definately. Pittied? Oh yra. She hasnt even spoken to me about it and we are "best friends", whats that?? Lord help me make it through this!
Just needed to vent a little... Thanks for listening! :)
Just needed to vent a little... Thanks for listening! :)
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Frustration....
I think this site hates me....
Yep pretty sure that is the case!
I try to leave comments....
I get the run around!
Sign in, encrypted word....
Encrypted word, sign in!
Every new page I view....
I am logged out!
Ugh...
It's starting to be mutual!
Oh yea...
I just wrote a LONG post....
It didn't post AND didn't SAVE!
Yep pretty sure that is the case!
I try to leave comments....
I get the run around!
Sign in, encrypted word....
Encrypted word, sign in!
Every new page I view....
I am logged out!
Ugh...
It's starting to be mutual!
Oh yea...
I just wrote a LONG post....
It didn't post AND didn't SAVE!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Seriously, today?
So today is our 3rd Father's Day that has past while TTC. Father's Day is a hard day for DH because his daddy passed away when he was 8...and now with out IF journey on top of that I can't imagine the hurt. Days like today when celebration should be all around, I want to be all alone. I can hardly stand to be in church on these days, and that is my favorite place in the world. My heart breaks for what I can't give him, especially on days like today....
And then we get the icing on the cake....our church friends, who are 19 and 21, and just got married on May 28, this year, announced that they are expecting. They found out yesterday and decided to go ahead and share the news since they would be with both sets of parents today. My heart broke. I cried until it hurt to cry and then cried because it hurt. I don't get it, I don't understand. I want so much to be happy for her, to love her and share in this in a special way but the aching in my heart won't stop. I don't know that I will even be able to look her in the eye and say I am happy for her and that I am here if she needs me. I am breaking...
Dh tries his best to be my strength, he comforts me the best way he knows how and he loves me. But then I wonder about his feelings, how he deals with this seemingly so well. Here I am falling apart at the seems and he is so outwardly strong. Sometimes I wish he would break with me. I want to know that he is hurting too. Is that selfish or too much to ask? Maybe it is, I know he cares, he just shows it so much differently.
Clinging to God and knowing that in Him is hope and peace.....
And then we get the icing on the cake....our church friends, who are 19 and 21, and just got married on May 28, this year, announced that they are expecting. They found out yesterday and decided to go ahead and share the news since they would be with both sets of parents today. My heart broke. I cried until it hurt to cry and then cried because it hurt. I don't get it, I don't understand. I want so much to be happy for her, to love her and share in this in a special way but the aching in my heart won't stop. I don't know that I will even be able to look her in the eye and say I am happy for her and that I am here if she needs me. I am breaking...
Dh tries his best to be my strength, he comforts me the best way he knows how and he loves me. But then I wonder about his feelings, how he deals with this seemingly so well. Here I am falling apart at the seems and he is so outwardly strong. Sometimes I wish he would break with me. I want to know that he is hurting too. Is that selfish or too much to ask? Maybe it is, I know he cares, he just shows it so much differently.
Clinging to God and knowing that in Him is hope and peace.....
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Well...
Well where shall I start??
Last week I work 6 days and finally got a break right in time to teach Sunday school on Sunday. After a hard week spending an hour with those precious kiddos was so refreshing. Sunday afternoon DH and I just relaxed until choir practice and evening service rolled around. Sunday nights service is on that won't be forgotten for a long while. The spirit was so strong and I knew that I needed to take a dip. I am so glad that no matter where you are God is willing and able to meet you right there. I began crying out to God, as did other around me, the music kept going the singers kept singing and the blessings of the lord came down. All I could do was stand there and cry. The piano player began singing an amazing song(I will look for it later to share) and I broke. One of my dear friends and one of few in the church that knows our struggles came and wrapped her arms around me and began to pray, she laid her hands on my tummy and prayed that God would do a miracle. I just stood there sobbing in her arms basking in the presence of God as she talked to the Lord for me. I felt so good, so renewed.
So yesterday I worked all day and around 3pm I began hurting in my stomach something fierce.(and I have a very high tolerance for pain) I came home and tried everything I could think of to make it stop, and to no prevail. I finally told DH that I had to go the ER. I was so scared, I had never had a pain like this in my life. My pain was in my stomach and went around to my back, I was nauseous and had indigestion. I arrived at the ER got blood work and had the joy of using a tiny cup as a toilet, almost immediately and then waited. I was hurting and afraid. The doctor came in and said that the blood work and urine looked fine and I would be sent to U/S. Again, the doctor said the U/S looked fine and I would be sent to get a CT Scan. I got an IV with pain medicine and zofran for nausea, this was the weirdest feeling in the world! I started sweating and had tightening in my chest and thought I might just die. On to CT. Again, the doctor said that everything looked fine and so they were sending me home. I was shocked, he said they did all they could and that I probably have IBS,(irritable bowel syndrome) and that sometimes your muscles get so tight that you think you could die, and with that he went out the door reminding me that he would get me some prescribtions. I got 3 prescriptions, all of them medicine that makes me sleepy. Needless to say idk if it is actually helping what they say my problem is or just covering up the pain, but I was cozy in bed sleeping all day.
Why did I share all of that? To show that God is right on time giving us a blessing but satan isn't far behind trying to tear us away. As it says in Joshua 24:15, "...choose you this day whom ye will serve...as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
Of course satan is going to be there to try and get us off track and destracted but if we have our minds made up to serve the Lord it won't even matter. I am trusting in my holy unfailing God to see me through no matter what. I can say today that if He choose to never do one more thing for me I will still love and serve Him until the day I die because he is God and that alone is enough.
Last week I work 6 days and finally got a break right in time to teach Sunday school on Sunday. After a hard week spending an hour with those precious kiddos was so refreshing. Sunday afternoon DH and I just relaxed until choir practice and evening service rolled around. Sunday nights service is on that won't be forgotten for a long while. The spirit was so strong and I knew that I needed to take a dip. I am so glad that no matter where you are God is willing and able to meet you right there. I began crying out to God, as did other around me, the music kept going the singers kept singing and the blessings of the lord came down. All I could do was stand there and cry. The piano player began singing an amazing song(I will look for it later to share) and I broke. One of my dear friends and one of few in the church that knows our struggles came and wrapped her arms around me and began to pray, she laid her hands on my tummy and prayed that God would do a miracle. I just stood there sobbing in her arms basking in the presence of God as she talked to the Lord for me. I felt so good, so renewed.
So yesterday I worked all day and around 3pm I began hurting in my stomach something fierce.(and I have a very high tolerance for pain) I came home and tried everything I could think of to make it stop, and to no prevail. I finally told DH that I had to go the ER. I was so scared, I had never had a pain like this in my life. My pain was in my stomach and went around to my back, I was nauseous and had indigestion. I arrived at the ER got blood work and had the joy of using a tiny cup as a toilet, almost immediately and then waited. I was hurting and afraid. The doctor came in and said that the blood work and urine looked fine and I would be sent to U/S. Again, the doctor said the U/S looked fine and I would be sent to get a CT Scan. I got an IV with pain medicine and zofran for nausea, this was the weirdest feeling in the world! I started sweating and had tightening in my chest and thought I might just die. On to CT. Again, the doctor said that everything looked fine and so they were sending me home. I was shocked, he said they did all they could and that I probably have IBS,(irritable bowel syndrome) and that sometimes your muscles get so tight that you think you could die, and with that he went out the door reminding me that he would get me some prescribtions. I got 3 prescriptions, all of them medicine that makes me sleepy. Needless to say idk if it is actually helping what they say my problem is or just covering up the pain, but I was cozy in bed sleeping all day.
Why did I share all of that? To show that God is right on time giving us a blessing but satan isn't far behind trying to tear us away. As it says in Joshua 24:15, "...choose you this day whom ye will serve...as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."
Of course satan is going to be there to try and get us off track and destracted but if we have our minds made up to serve the Lord it won't even matter. I am trusting in my holy unfailing God to see me through no matter what. I can say today that if He choose to never do one more thing for me I will still love and serve Him until the day I die because he is God and that alone is enough.
Friday, June 10, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Today...
My heart is breaking for what I don't have, for what I may never have. I wonder why God choose me, why does He have so much faith that I can handle this, though I would never ever wish it for anyone else. I want answers, I want health and I want babies! I want to hear those precious first cries and the incredible sounds of laughter and tiny feet pattering across the floor. I desire to a child that is mine, to share that bond that only a mother and child can share.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs what's wrong with me? Why me? Will this ever end?
I know In my heart of hearts that there is a reason for all that we go through, a reason deeper than we could ever comprehend. Why is it that in times when you need understanding the most it docent come. I pray that God will show himself in a special way through this journey.
I need to just crawl into the arms of Christ and tell him what I want, what I feel.
I need to tell him how I am hurting, physically and emotionally. How I know he can heal me. That I trust Him more everyday. That I know that He will work all things together for my good. That I am breaking inside. How IF puts a strain on my relationships.
I often remind myself that my ways are not his ways, that my timing is not his timing and that does send some bit of comfort. I think about how this journey would be so much easier if I knew that he would bring my desire to pass. The when and how isn't what bothers me so much as the big "IF" it ever happens.
Hurting today but still hopeful that God is going to see me through and I k ow that when I meet him face to face it will all make sence. I will be fulfilled in His time, in His way.
I want to scream at the top of my lungs what's wrong with me? Why me? Will this ever end?
I know In my heart of hearts that there is a reason for all that we go through, a reason deeper than we could ever comprehend. Why is it that in times when you need understanding the most it docent come. I pray that God will show himself in a special way through this journey.
I need to just crawl into the arms of Christ and tell him what I want, what I feel.
I need to tell him how I am hurting, physically and emotionally. How I know he can heal me. That I trust Him more everyday. That I know that He will work all things together for my good. That I am breaking inside. How IF puts a strain on my relationships.
I often remind myself that my ways are not his ways, that my timing is not his timing and that does send some bit of comfort. I think about how this journey would be so much easier if I knew that he would bring my desire to pass. The when and how isn't what bothers me so much as the big "IF" it ever happens.
Hurting today but still hopeful that God is going to see me through and I k ow that when I meet him face to face it will all make sence. I will be fulfilled in His time, in His way.
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